There’s still money to be made in the Bumper Sticker industry. Don’t believe what you hear on CNBC; we are on the brink of a Bumper Sticker resurgence. People will be putting them on pets (the kind you can walk on a leash, not one of those novelty pets like an eel or typewriter). Bumper stickers will be everywhere.

What’s fueling this interest in rectangular, UV-resistant, vinyl stickers featuring often-crude, obnoxious and illiterate sloganeering? A fear of missing out. That, and the invention/discovery of three new curse words is driving hordes of your fellow citizens to trade shows, truck stops, and the back page “personals” section of Modern Knifer magazine desperate to hand over real, American cash for Stickers mocking gun control advocates and Wiccans.

People want to be heard. They want to speak. They want to shout. Bumper Stickers are their voice. They are better than a voice. They stick to anything, leave a terrible residue when removed and often feature amusing caricatures of Eskimos. You have no choice but to read them or adhere them to your face while sitting alone on a Saturday night.

Invest now in Bumper Sticker paper and a rhyming thesaurus and you won’t be cold come January. Instead you’ll be surrounded by solid gold furniture and piles of raw diamond thanks to a tastefully designed “Choke on that Osama” Bumper Sticker your cousin Ernie suggested after bowling a 260 last week at leagues.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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