Happy Jim was unique among the lunatics in our fine town. He stood out not because of looks or demeanor but solely because of ability. Happy Jim was able to digest any substance. Anything. He also had enormous patience and great mechanical skill. He also had a love of music. As a result, he methodically went from tavern to tavern, from bar to bar, slowly and carefully dismantling their jukebox music machines and eating each part. He continued on this path, day after day, until everything was gone. No more dancing, only silence. The barkeeps actually welcomed this as they secretly hated our town and its people. They wanted retribution and got it by eliminating a primary source of the town’s musical pleasure. In many cases, shortly after Happy Jim’s work, the establishments...
I remember from my earliest days, there was a popular video arcade game which had as its goal the procurement of a decent suit for a job interview. You never got to the actual job interview, you just selected smart, sensible outfits and laid the clothes out on the bed, mixing and matching vests and pin stripes and shoes. No score was kept. Every twenty minutes the game went into automatic pause and requested the player take a mandatory 15 minute break where you were discouraged from thinking about anything.
Those days are gone, never to return.
We're offering Postcards made of sandpaper that you never send. You just hold onto them for an uncomfortable amount of time.
Miniature shovels for miniature men. Each doing their work in heroic silence. The men dig constantly and carefully. Each scoop of sand deposited in its own envelope for later examination. It is a hectic and hurried scene. The work must be done right for millions are depending on it. There is no time for sweat, no time for regret. All work in concert, all agree. All understand the wisdom behind their struggle.
All work as one, moving towards the ultimate prize: Affordable egg-shaped costumes for man, woman, and child.
We're going to be holding a class on the Identification of Bite Marks, North America Edition. Learn to identify by sight and touch up to 35 different Bite Marks including Bobcat, Grey Trout, Domesticated Chipmunk, and Aged Moose. Partial and full jaw marks will be discussed. Cost includes textbook.
Ages 16+, no military discounts.
Life in the year 3015. It’s never too early to start preparing. You’ll want to be remembered in stories around the campfire, so you better do something meaningful today. Consider becoming a legendary bank robber who can also bring small mammals back from the dead. They’re gonna want somebody like that in the far off future. Consider your offspring as well. There are 40 generations between us and the people of 3015 AD. Perhaps you can be the reason so many of them are fantastic acrobats despite their toe webbing. Consider having at least 18 children and handing down to each one a ceremonial sword just to see if the people of tomorrow include a disproportionately high number of antiquities dealers. In the end your power over the society of a thousand years hence is limited...