01/26/25
Weagel Show

Weagel Show – END GAME 011 – Whisper

11/13/18
Chris Weagel
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Weagel Show

Weagel Show – END GAME 017 – Help Me

10/25/18
Chris Weagel
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MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 07/14/11

07/14/11
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After I got home late last night, I planted some Stress Trees all around the house. Saplings, really, just encircling the house. I did this to fully exhaust myself before bed. Tearing up pieces of the carpeting no longer works.

I awoke to quite a sight. Nothing unexpected, but still amazing nonetheless.

There in the branches of the now fully grown Stress Trees were entire armies of unruly kindergarten classes and really loud florescent lighting units and three traffic jams and thousands of cable box remotes and a goddamn swing set that needs assembling.

I went right over to the one dripping in Casio keyboards stuck in demo mode and just hugged it.

NIGHTCAP 07/13/11

07/13/11
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I received my application back from the National Holiday Registration Board. My proposed Holiday has been rejected. Outlined in my 17 page narrative was a solid argument as to why May 14th should hereafter be known and celebrated as Lower Abdominal Pain Day (May 13th being an unofficial Lower Abdominal Paid Day eve). I suppose the enclosed references, Mr. Washington and Mr. Lincoln, were not as convincing as, say, Mr. Franklin might be. Now begins the two year "cooling off period" before I can re-apply with new photos of citizens celebrating the agony of Lower Abdominal Pain. I'm also working on Partial-Day Holidays. 6 Hour (or less) stretches during a day that are legal holidays. Such new boundaries would allow for new holidays - honoring some of our more noble reptiles, perhaps? - in a...

Let’s Get You Certified

07/13/11
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I am fully trained and authorized to place cats neatly on shelves.

I put them, without the aid of gloves or sedation, into straight, uniform lines on wall shelves and bookcases. Cats that cannot stand one another stand side by side in evenly spaced rows without discomfort or strain. My services are in high demand from owners and breeders alike.

And now I'm ready to share my secrets with you.

NIGHTCAP 07/12/11

07/12/11
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There are entire stores devoted to Christmas. Selling nothing but Christmas decorations and costumes. They are often housed in enormous barn-like structures themselves decorated like insane, endless winter wonderlands filled with trees and lights and fake snow and real elves and candles and candy and noise.

These stores thrive all year round, often due to their location near tourist traps and leper colonies.

What you don't see, though, are similar stores dedicated to National Amputation Day.

I attribute it to the lack of familiar National Amputation Day songs.

BIGGEST MISTAKE, FIRST MISTAKE

07/12/11
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My first great miscalculation was switching over the entire office to those triangular, three-color highlighter markers. The promotional kind, with Real Estate Agency logos on the side. I did so without telling anyone my plans and had the switch carried out by a foreign work crew brought in overnight. I thought it would increase efficiency. Three colors opens up a lot more options. You can rank different passages. You can draw things besides bananas. The triangle shape is (somehow) related to the pyramids, which, I was told (by the sales guy), are powerful symbols of immortality. I also thought we'd able to connect all the highlighters and build our own pyramid. The backlash from staff and clientele was harsh and immediate. Documents were ruined, wrists sprained, customers alarmed at the...