In an upsetting start to the school year here in St Clair Shores, it’s reported that four separate classes across two elementary schools are populated entirely by students named Eustace. The mayor has issued an emergency order requiring school staff to shave identification numbers into the children’s heads.
Local libertarian groups are vowing protests but nothing has been scheduled.

“I tell you, I quit here last time. I quit in my mind. The customers we had in here. All using the F-Word. All of them. I kept saying, ‘Ed’s away camping with his family. WITH HIS FAMILY.’ They didn’t care.”
“Oh, Helen…”
–Overheard at the Unisex Beauty Parlor this morning.

TETRAHEDRON

How did Agatha Stevens bend the city council to her will? How does a freshman councilor push through a radical plan that forbids eye contact between citizens, even within families? She assembled an odd coalition of the town’s hermits, loners, oddballs and outcasts. She trained them for weeks to stand in a tight circle around someone for up to 45 minutes at a time, never touching the person but also never looking away either. Then during social calls to each of her fellow council members, she’d force them to sit within this ring of the damned. None lasted more than a few minutes. Once they’d felt the horrible unease brought on by the collective gaze of society’s Unbearables they agreed to vote for anything Stevens proposed. Look, it’s not that we’re...

When the pain or smell gets unbearable we fine citizens of Southeast Michigan head over to Doctor Hershenberg’s office for a full teeth rotation. Dr. Hershenberg (or, more likely, one of his silent Czech assistants) pulls out each of your adult teeth, cleans them in an elixir of his own design, and replaces them in opposite locations throughout the mouth. The good doctor owns the patent on the procedure and has built an empire around it. The rotation helps keep your bite even and your balance aligned and it’s usually covered by even the weakest insurance plans as “preventative” treatment. Allegations that the doctor invented an otherwise absurd practice simply so he could build up a collection of photos of naked, toothless gums have been regularly denied. Still...

Officials dredged the remains of Haircut Dave out of canal 18 this weekend. He was last seen among the living back in June.
Police have ruled his death a suicide, but we all know better. Haircut Dave was silenced by rogue elements of the intelligence community because the haircuts he gave – his art – revealed unspoken truths about the political decay of late-stage American Capitalism and made a person’s forehead look too big.
Papers say there won’t be a funeral.