NIGHTCAP 09/12/11

As we turn in tonight, let us say a prayer for the bowlers. LORD TODAY WE PRAY FOR OUR BROTHER AND SISTER BOWLER LORD let their strikes be strong and regular. And accompanied by animations of talking fish or clip art of smiling mobsters. Let their approach be free of trepidation. And their knees be strong. Let their gloves be not mocked. And let not the gutter plague them. Let them fear not, others judgement of their shoes. LORD, let our bowlers’ backs not ache, but if they must let their back braces be strong and without odor. Let their chairs be plastic and discolored. Let Time, the most horrible of all Your wonderful creations, melt away so that they might exist alone with ball and pin and salted hot dog. AND FINALLY LORD, Let the bowlers’ league association offer...

BLACK POWDER ALAMO ONSLAUGHT

Starting a new theme restaurant with the above name. On the menu you’ll find deer steaks and indian burns.
All the permits have been pulled and the onions fried.
I’m just working out the scent of the hand soap for the bathrooms.
I’m thinking: “Motorcycle Jump.”

MULTI-FAMILY GARAGE SALE

Shit’s on fire. Kid’s screaming. Big puddle even though it didn’t rain. Selling sandwich bags full of cut grass. 35 cents each. I bought two. Immediately regretted it. None of the stuffed animals are priced. Lady in the first house got her curlers set up on a table. “THESE AREN’T FOR SALE!” Everybody’s in sweatpants. The second garage’s interior covered in Air Force posters. F-16s flying in formation, Apache gunship cockpit shot with double pilot thumbs up. 66 year-old man sits without blinking behind folding table made from old door. Stacked in front of him are multiple six packs of Orange Pop. “Best offer,” he mumbles. I stab him in the arm. Through the picture window are 8 kids, glass-eyed, white-skinned, piled on the couch...

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/12/11

The community is not happy with my latest editorial on carpet patterns. I’m against people installing such in their house unless I’m allowed to choose the pattern. Otherwise they should just stick with solid colors or completely transparent flooring which allows (rightly) for little privacy in the level below. As a sign of their discomfort with my proposal, one of them has defaced my property with the aid of a liquid cement gun, encasing the entire house in a thick, rapidly drying shell. The windows, doors, vents and mail slot are completely blocked. Though a crack in the bathroom window I’ve used a screw driver to write my name in the cement. No matter what happens, future generations will know that “Christopher Rodrigo Weagel” was not cowed by the mob. I...