Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
To me, the best part of roll call is when they call out names of people they know aren't here and never will be. Like, “Dolly Parton,” or, “Bowling Champ Walter Ray Williams!” They aren't part of this organization, we know that. But we wish they were.
And there's no hurt in pretending.
I wait a few seconds in that long pause then I call out, “Not today, Boss, not today.”
During roll call, you're listening for any kind of hesitation in response. You're listening for anxiety and weakness. When you find it, as a leader, you have very little choice. Silently, the party is removed, discreetly during group activities.
Work crews may begin immediately replacing their image in cafeteria murals with crude approximations of Disney characters wearing sunglasses.
When he calls my name, I’m going to tell him this is the United States of America and ask him where he was 19 years ago. Ask if he’d like to look at my sticker book. Do some trading for my missing squares
…I’ll ask him what he traded for those boys’ lives and if it’s water proof.
And then I’ll break his arm.
Immediately following roll call, while I still have you standing as gentlemen, I shall pass in front of you a shallow dish of lukewarm water. Any coins currently hiding under your tongues shall be deposited in a single spitting action. Those producing denominations exceeding a quarter will be deputized and sent into the showers in search of additional revenue.
Those presenting foreign currency will have their leisure activities reviewed.
You will spend life as a second order dongle. And then…
…be destroyed.
During roll call it is important that you remain staring at the wall and present all instruments, weaponry, and scarring, no matter how cartoonish, for inspection. A steady hand on your shoulder signals the need for private advisement to correct deficiencies. Fifteen minutes in an isolation chamber identifying yogurt flavors should suffice. Harsher therapies will be conducted outside the view of the balloons. They're here to bring happiness, not endure your frailties.
At roll call you are expected to present three new shadow puppet hand configurations, along with accompanying sound effects. These may be animals, wonders of the mechanical world or illustrations of emotion. Do not ask, nor expect, to touch the flash light.
The key element of my cult would be the careful withholding of pistachio nuts.
