Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

Morning Constitutional 04/05/11

Special boots are needed for this adventure. It’s going to get very squishy. Things will stick to your toes and leave marks. Marks you will not be proud of. Your feet are very precious. Without them, you’d be a defenseless set of ankles sitting on a bus bench.
These special boots are non-refundable. But they’re worth it, and you can pass them onto your children. They will protect your kids from the thousands of hungry mouths they’ll want to smash each day.

Accounting

Going through the receipts for the tax lady and turns out I spent $8,000 last year on cupcake icing.
Which is low. Things have really slowed down here.

Nightcap 04/02/11

What wisdom can I leave you with tonight? Recommendations for what type of hot dog condiment goes best with your facial moles? Or a reminder of the value large, leather straps have to bruisers and nuns alike? Perhaps a plea not to stand too close to the walls as we’ve just had them painted to cover the gouge and scratch marks from the family reunion?
Ultimately, I can’t tell you anything. You’ll have to find your own way. You don’t listen to good sense anyhow, which is how you wound up with a room full of broken umbrellas and no man in your life.
THIS IS NOT AN ADVICE COLUMN. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME BAKED GOODS.

VOCABULARY

[box type="info"] emboldened past participle, past tense of em·bold·en (Verb) 1. Give (someone) the courage or confidence to do something or to behave in a certain way. 2. Cause (a piece of text) to appear in a bold typeface [/box] I love the phrase "emboldened" and it's usage in American political culture. I never hear it in day to day life, though, only in Official Reports on The State of Things. Like, "Sammy's foot resting on a new sewer grate emboldened him to pee down his leg." Or "All this talk of an A-Team marathon emboldened me to eat another batch of Eggos instead of reading to the foster kids." And either of the definitions is great. Emboldened goes well with my other favorite horseshit term, mulling. As in, "I'm seriously mulling violating all rules of decorum and buttering...

FREELOADERS

The nation’s greedy corporations and insatiable wealthy are fattening themselves on workers. There’s no trickle down. It’s the opposite; the rich have been sucking the economic lifeblood from the middle class for decades. When reckless Wall Street banksters get taxpayer-funded bailouts, billionaires get tax breaks and gigantic corporations like GE and Bank of America pay absolutely no federal income taxes, they’re getting for free the very public services that enable them to make massive profits in this country—the courts, the roads, the trade regulators, the patent enforcement. The middle class doesn’t get those big time special deals and loopholes. Workers pay their taxes. As a result, it’s workers footing the bill for the government services that enrich the rich. Greedy corporations...

Morning Constitutional 04/01/11

It’s on days like these – rainy, technicolor, zipped – that a man considers his legacy. How will he be remembered? How will he be renumbered? What achievements will stand after he’s gone?
For me, I trust my name will be synonymous with shoes and boots thrown atop buildings. Commercial buildings, second homes, garden sheds – all within my reach. If need be, I’ll use a ladder. And they won’t be my shoes. People will still chuckle when they think of the time I stole their work boots and violently flung them to the roof of their local Jiffy Lube.
And children will cry for having not met me.

SHOULD I EAT THIS COOKIE?

I've had this Winter Sweater Cookie for a few months now. It's pressed between two sheets of Waxed Paper in a large manilla envelope. Every so often I take it out and force people to look at it, then write down how it made them feel.

I think the green icing tastes like mint not like a frog or a traffic light. I don't know for sure. I don't know the snow man's name, but I never asked.

Also, I lied: I've actually had this cookie for a few years now. I can't get to sleep without knowing where it is. I would never eat it in front of anyone. Just like Veal.