Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
I am fully trained and authorized to place cats neatly on shelves.
I put them, without the aid of gloves or sedation, into straight, uniform lines on wall shelves and bookcases. Cats that cannot stand one another stand side by side in evenly spaced rows without discomfort or strain. My services are in high demand from owners and breeders alike.
And now I'm ready to share my secrets with you.
There hasn't been much innovation in the TV Dinner industry recently.
Just an observation, not a criticism.
There are entire stores devoted to Christmas. Selling nothing but Christmas decorations and costumes. They are often housed in enormous barn-like structures themselves decorated like insane, endless winter wonderlands filled with trees and lights and fake snow and real elves and candles and candy and noise.
These stores thrive all year round, often due to their location near tourist traps and leper colonies.
What you don't see, though, are similar stores dedicated to National Amputation Day.
I attribute it to the lack of familiar National Amputation Day songs.
My first great miscalculation was switching over the entire office to those triangular, three-color highlighter markers. The promotional kind, with Real Estate Agency logos on the side. I did so without telling anyone my plans and had the switch carried out by a foreign work crew brought in overnight. I thought it would increase efficiency. Three colors opens up a lot more options. You can rank different passages. You can draw things besides bananas. The triangle shape is (somehow) related to the pyramids, which, I was told (by the sales guy), are powerful symbols of immortality. I also thought we'd able to connect all the highlighters and build our own pyramid. The backlash from staff and clientele was harsh and immediate. Documents were ruined, wrists sprained, customers alarmed at the...
What I'm envisioning is a Face-Sized Toilet Sticker.
An egregiously large sticker featuring exquisite line art of a Toilet Bowl and Tank.
Reasonably priced, of course...
God Asks Us What we fill our days with.
We answer:
Quiet. Calm. Reflection. The Eating of Pork Skins while Driving.
Filling Out Magazine Subscription Cards with No Intention of Ever Mailing Them.
Practicing Our Shoelace Tying.
God Responds:
No Teepee building?
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The Old Van Wallace place is no more. It finally got swept into the river. The Old Van Wallace place was a two-story gray farmhouse from the end of the 19th century, cursed from the day it was built. Edgar Van Wallace positioned it deep in the woods of what was at the time known as Moravian's Dip. Dandavin County was split by the hated Clinton River which would flood each spring, summer, fall and winter. And there in the center was Moravian dip. The nearest road, if you could call a stretch of Indian graves a road, was named after a civil war uniform launderer name of E. E. Moravian. He built his foolhardy road right through the Clinton river to take advantage of the current in his washings business. At the lowest, coldest point - The Dip - where land was cheap and hard, Old Van Wallace...
