NIGHTCAP 07/25/11


Of all my great ideas, this one’s the best. By far the most profitable and most pa-leasing to people of all walks and all types.

I needed to justify my monthly expense of renting a Medium-Sized Post Office box at my local USPS branch. The postal staff also needed justification for daily extended lobby visits and sometimes naps.


The concept is simple, as they say.

For a mere $14.95+postage, you can send me your best roast beef sandwich – homemade, store bought or stolen does not matter – and I will rate it and judge it and devour it thusly.

I will place food sent to me from a stranger into my stomach and describe in writing how it makes me feel.

I will do this in front of people. The postal lobby is my studio.

You will be provided with no less than 1500 words description and critique. I may include a diagram. For some, I will breathe into a bottle immediately after the last bite and cap it securely and enclose that as well.

I will judge: taste, texture, odor, personality, arrangement, girth, onion-count, horse-radish intensity and composition of the sandwich.

If your layers go (from bottom): Bread, Cheese, Beef, Tomato, Onion, More Cheese, Second Layer of Beef, Peanut Butter, Olive then Bread, I will notice.

If your layers go (again from bottom): Bread, Beef, More Beef, Third Layer of Beef, Water Chestnut, then Bread, I will notice.

It does not matter where you live. Near or far, I rate all Roast Beef Sandwiches that have stamps on them. Their story is the most important in-gred-i-ent.

Once written, I will not send you my review. Instead it will be dipped in Seltzer water, rolled into a ball, and also consumed.

I plan on spending each weekend in the hospital, dreaming of Monday’s trip to the Post Office box, my stomach surgeries paid for by my vibrant Mail-Order Roast Beef Sandwich Company.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

2 Responses to “NIGHTCAP 07/25/11”

  1. Maddie Seidel 07/26/11 at 12:19 am #

    Utter brilliance.

  2. Maddie Seidel 07/26/11 at 12:20 am #

    Or should I say: Udder Brilliance?

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