Tag Archives: health
NIGHTCAP 07/25/11

NIGHTCAP 07/25/11

AS PROMISED: AN INSIDE LOOK AT MY MAIL-ORDER ROAST BEEF SANDWICH COMPANY. Of all my great ideas, this one’s the best. By far the most profitable and most pa-leasing to people of all walks and all types. I needed to justify my monthly expense of renting a Medium-Sized Post Office box at my local USPS branch. The postal staff also needed justification for daily extended lobby visits and sometimes naps. AND I LOVE ROAST BEFFED SANDWICHES. The concept is simple, as they say. For a mere $14.95+postage, you can send me your best roast beef sandwich – homemade, store bought or stolen does not matter – and I will rate it and judge it and devour it thusly. I will place food sent to me from a stranger into my stomach and describe in writing how it makes me feel. I will do this in front of people. The postal lobby is my studio. You will be provided with no less than 1500 words description and critique. I may include a diagram. For some, I will breathe into a bottle immediately after the last bite and cap it securely and enclose that as well. I will judge: taste, texture, odor, personality, arrangement, girth, onion-count, horse-radish intensity and composition of the sandwich. If your layers go (from bottom): Bread, Cheese, Beef, Tomato, Onion, More Cheese, Second Layer of Beef, Peanut Butter, Olive then Bread, I will notice. If your layers go (again from bottom): Bread, Beef, More Beef, Third Layer of Beef, Water Chestnut, then Bread, I will notice. It does not matter where you live. Near or far, I rate all Roast Beef Sandwiches that have stamps on them. Their story is the most important in-gred-i-ent. Once written, I will not send you my review. Instead it will be dipped in Seltzer water, rolled into a ball, and also consumed. I plan on spending each weekend in the hospital, dreaming of Monday’s trip to the Post Office box, my stomach surgeries paid for by my vibrant Mail-Order Roast Beef Sandwich Company.

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MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/02/11

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/02/11

Lately I’ve been frying up old Super Nintendo game cartridges and eating them before bed. Like grilled cheese, I use plenty of butter and often eat it with little else beyond three liters of Grape Faygo. The butter combines with the natural flavor of the cartridge plastic to create a pleasing, smokey taste and accompanying each bite is not a crunch but a sound effect noise from the game in question. Usually it’s the jumping sound. But my God, the nightmares. Granted I’ve always had terrible nightmares throughout the night, but this meal produces a unique horror. I wake up with my teeth clenched down hard on my tongue and claw marks up and down my arms. And grease paint everywhere. There’s nothing healthy about any of it. There’s also nothing that says I have to change. There is no tomorrow in this country, so I’ll just drink a few extra Red Bulls at work and get back to learning Mandarin.

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Morning Constitutional 05/27/11

Morning Constitutional 05/27/11

The Item: Weighted Sleeping Boots Purported Health Benefits: Encourages deeper sleep, reduces cramping, prevents feet from floating away during the night Usage: Easy to put on, Velcro straps save time wasted on lacing, challenging to fill with sand or water while wearing boots due the side-mounted filling valves, may require extra blankets to fully cover increased foot size, comfortable interior feels like your feet are inside a high quality pool shoe not a dead person’s skin Concerns: Tricksters filling boots with helium during the night may result in sleeper being suspended upside down from ceiling for extended amounts of time FDA Recommendation: Pending review

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HD LAB MEMO: COTTAGE CHEESE

HD LAB MEMO: COTTAGE CHEESE

In the Name of Science.

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HD LAB ENTRY #66: 14 Rules for Good Health

HD LAB ENTRY #66: 14 Rules for Good Health

Recite every morning.

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