The Curse of the Ojibwe

Many thousands of years ago Sir George Washington himself, our first and noblest grand chief, personally slaughtered all of the Ojibwe Indians. He did it with his bare hands, one after the other. Working non-stop for 18 hours each day it took him the better part of 5 years to wipe them out. He claims he did it as an example to his fellow countrymen of “a honest day’s work.”

As reward for his dastardly work, our Lord God Jesus turned Old George’s hair into snakes one cold October night. He also made it impossible for our first chief to walk without inadvertently spanking himself. Georgie W. eventually threw himself off a cliff, having been driven mad by so much constant commotion on both ends of his person.

As for the mighty Ojibwe themselves, they continue to haunt the white man’s descendants. Science has pin-pointed their ghosts as being responsible for the epidemic of belching that has gripped our country over the last 30 years. Prior to that, the Ojibwe ghosts forced everyone to play pinball once a month regardless of their interest or availability.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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