People say I have an unreasonable obsession with envelopes. That I horde too many of them. That those I do horde are irregularly shaped and colored and so rendered largely useless for everyday mailings. People accuse me of spending too much time in stationary shoppes, disturbing their window displays without permission. That I am too concerned with the glue and folding of my neighbors' envelopes and ask too many awkward questions about them during dinner parties. That I far too often attempt a citizen's arrest when I receive mail from these neighbors sent in an unsatisfactory envelope. People say I'm only interested in storing photographs of stuffed animals in my envelopes. YOU ARE ALL INVITED TO COME DOWN TO MY RIVER BENCH AND HELP ME TAPE THOSE LITTLE PIECES OF CELLOPHANE INTO No. 5...
Archive - June 2011
The Bowling Alley Locker Area is still empty.
I realized that I left a tape recorder running for the better part of the last 14 years here underneath the headboard. Playing back the first 10 minutes or so, all I hear is whispering, whispering, whispering.
It's not my voice. And it's nothing terribly interesting. Just a lot of talk about value meal specials at fast food establishments and national holiday-themed mattress sales.
I can only assume it's what I discuss while asleep. And I regret not finding it until now as, from what I can tell, I missed out on a really great Fish-Sandwich/Craftmatic Adjustable Bed combo deal back in 2002 that would've both made me smarter and straightened out my back.
I'll have Franklin burn the tape later tonight.
If all goes according to plan, you will be the happy, successful new owner/operator of a Deluxe Ice Cream Shoppe and Camel Wash Station in rural Azerbaijan.
If it all goes to hell, run like a monkey on fire.
The circus is no longer accepting applications. The country has enough file clerks. Playing a dead body in one of those large disaster scenes just doesn’t pay enough. The only calling left is a higher calling.
When you become a priest, the Vatican sends you a pair of those glasses that let you see into men’s souls and you’re legally allowed to drink blood in public. Your business card gets a rarely used prefix. Sure you only get paid in little sticks and pebbles but you never have to fear snakes again.
All in all a good deal for all parties. You were going to be locked up eventually anyway, might as well be in bondage to the Lord.
Pretty much all you hear when you die.
Today's centering exercise: Imagining Generic Posters.
Posters with designs that serve any and all purposes in any given environment.
Here's a few to get you started:
Neutral Photograph of Kitten standing next to rotary phone with receiver laying off its base.
Sharpened Pencil standing in middle of row of Unsharpened Pencils.
Star Constellation that looks vaguely like Albert Einstein
Spanish Muppets (group shot)
Entire text of Encyclopedia Britannica in 7pt font
Windsurfer sailing over a 19th Century Steam Engine Locomotive
The Backs of all US Presidents' Heads
Write down your best 32,000 designs and leave them in a neat list in the comment section.