Find your nearest enormous all-metal industrial stairwell. You must have one on the property. Gather all your flimsiest card tables AND all of your Deluxe Chinese Checkers Sets. You see where I’m headed with this.

Set them all up at the top of the stairs. Gather dignitaries, photographers, trusted neighbors, and as many excitable animals as possible at the bottom of the stairs. Serve them Dixie cups of cheese soup. Do not ask if anyone is sensitive to dairy.

Get on the PA system (you didn’t pawn it, right?) and make a number of Startling Revelations. These could be about the guests assembled downstairs, news of far-off military defeat, confessions and apologies to all the women you’ve hurt, anything along these lines. At the crescendo, violently kick the tables and watch in stunning slow motion as the Chinese Checker Trays and marbles and tv dinner tables and expensive telescope sets crash down, flight after flight. Feel alive for the first time.


Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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