Nothing a Trip to the Wood Shed Can’t Fix

Raspberries. In certain circles on the Internet, it is customary to violently stab the keyboard while typing so as to scare off competitors and doubters. The trick is to overwhelm them with your passion and keep them from asking for your chair. You’ve been sitting in that chair for hours and it’s right good and warm. They don’t deserve that warmth, not with those crossed eyes. They didn’t earn it.

This sort of typing has severe consequences for online work and correspondence. The hatred affects even the letters. They become exhausted and easily spooked. Some of the weaker consonants become unavailable (think lower-case “y”) and must be coaxed back into service with hours of soothing talk and flattery. Much time is wasted that could be better spent posting and commenting on photos of soap.

Because of this, one is advised to give up computering entirely and retreat to the more profitable pursuit of Wooden Indian Search and Rescue.

THEY’VE DEMONIZED OUR HISTORY! DRINK DISTILLED WATER OR NOTHING. NEVER SLEEP IN A ROOM LIT BY CONDENSED FLUORESCENTS. YOU WILL BE DEFEATED!

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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