Every time this year the town gathers its scrapbooks and photo albums and other bad memory signifiers and heaps them into a giant pile on the floor of the last remaining roller rink. Prayers are offered from the local deacons and then the entire affair is torched.

A complex system of ventilation passages and chambers directs the ash and smoke outside while the PTA circles the fire on those old-type skates that require a key.

On Thursday, that complex system of air replacement broke down. The PTA has been decimated with one surviving member confined to the town’s remaining Iron Lung for at least 14 months.

Without the guidance of the Parent Teacher’s Association the school board has decided to suspend the remainder of the school year and put the children to study at home on thick crossword puzzle books. They will all be forced to repeat a year and be looked down upon in their later academic and professional careers as “Slow” and/or “Problems.”

The actual owners of the roller rink proved difficult to locate and, according to what the lawyers say, were eventually proven to be a family of gray squirrels living in Mr. Williams’ water pump shed.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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