I’ll assume the author was in a hurry.
Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
I have been asked to give a lecture at a technology conference in Indiana this fall. Unless I hear otherwise, I plan on discussing the role Motion Capture Technology plays in the creation and maintenance of Human Dog.
My slide deck presentation will detail the elaborate mo-cap setup process involved in affixing ping pong balls to all 46 joint points of my dining room table. Then, in a break out section, the audience can help me attach the ping pong balls to a large, decorative garden boulder before taking it to the abandoned quarry and dumping it in the runoff ditch.
A similar technique is integral in the animation and arm movements of V.
Do not disturb or question my piles of napkins. I will explain their purpose and then discuss them no more. The two shallow piles immediately before me are not, in fact, napkins at all but rather intricately folded paper towels. One for the right hand, located on my left, the other for my face and jowls. The left towel is folded into eighths and is rectangular in shape. The Right towel into fourths and does not contain eye holes. THESE ARE NEVER TO BE TOUCHED! Then. Next to the desk phone is a pile of at least three, preferably six, separated and refolded napkins. These were obtained from the coffee stand at a nearby Citgo gas station. The refolding process was undertaken to obscure the CITGO – IT’S GAS TIME! logo from my dining eyes. These are used for a full wipe down before...
Some men flavor their ice water with lemon. There are a subset of men dedicated to floating a piece of brick in their water glass. They claim it strengthens their kidneys. These men travel from village to village performing their brick floating trick in taverns and town squares for copies of the photographs amazed onlookers take. Brief online research reveals a group of brothers from St. Louis that cut old t-shirts featuring looney tune characters into strips and float them in big pitchers of ditch water all July, then spend August inventing new colors during hallucinations the water produces. These men can have their preferences, provided they keep to themselves. I know what’s disintegrating in my drink: A photo of Lenin and three pieces of the last space shuttle. FORM A LINE HERE...
How many paintings of cats dressed as historical figures does a man need?
Men built of courage, not sticks. That's what's needed here. If we're ever going to rid this house of a gargantuan furnace monster there cannot be any time for cowards. And no time spent planning and hemming and hawing. No energy wasted on assessments and projections. Pick up a club and start beating the furnace until you go blind! The noise and clammer will draw out the beast! Then set upon it with your teeth and your wrist muscles and tear it to shreds before it has time it straighten its tie. THIS IS NO TIME FOR MERCY! THE BEAST MUST BE DESTROYED! And if it hurts - if this fury starts to cause you pain - and you start to cry - THEN CRY! Your tears will burn through its skin and pierce its heart. They'll remind this furnace monster whose house this is and that its true owners do not...
One must be particularly adept at navigating the social waters when close neighbors hold garage sales. Although rifling through their once-personal, now-discarded belongings can finally be done in public, and without shame, actually making a purchase is loaded with risk.
Eventually your neighbor will find themselves in your living room, staring at what was once, to them, a cherished personal effect they were forced to part with due to "insistence from the bank." Mounting or presenting it predominantly, with its own lighting, will only underscore the awkwardness.
It will be all the more difficult to pretend that part of their lives truly is dead if your purchase happens to be one or more framed family portraits.