Author - Chris Weagel

A gentleman calling himself The Count of New Mexico just phoned, offering his custom motorcycle jump ramp services. Says he has a number of pre-fab units already assembled, without buyers, just waiting there at the lot.
He also said he knows I don’t ride motorcycles or have any interest in riding them off ramps. He said he knows I do have an interest in setting up an extra-legal mobile carnival and petting zoo for use in the many parking lots of abandoned retail stores in the area.
I asked him if he wore a cape and if he would mind if I wore a cape while standing next to him in publicity photos.
He then hung up the phone.

Charles Schulz made a handsome living drawing pictures of a delusional dog for decades.
I’m hoping to do something similar but instead will be drawing pictures of stomach scars that I immediately burn, then never speak of in public.
WAIT WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?!

There’s a proposal on the table to convert all the local water birds to digital. Proponents say it will increase beauty in their flight patterns and cut down on their energy consumption by 27%.
This reminds me of the big currency switch about a decade ago, when they replaced George Washington on the One Dollar Bill with an All-in-One Fax, Copier, Scanner Printer.
If this goes through, I think I’ll capture one of the analog pelicans and keep it in a jar. Raise it as a step brother.

A tiny little fly with a full size human head got in here. Holes in the screen that never got repaired. The screen shoppe just totally took advantage of me. They said, “Here comes a sucker. He’s never had a class on screens. We won’t fix shit. We’ll punch more holes in it, then ask for his credit card.”
And of course I gave it to them. I can’t believe it!
Turn on the fan!
And now there’s this fly with a human head. It kinda looks like David Letterman before he got ugly. It’s crawling all over the tomato salad and the new counter.
Someone help me put my leg on, I’ve got to lay down.

Stop for a moment and consider all the possibilities that title, “Reverse Car Wash,” brings to mind. Some of you see that sign along the highway and think of clean cars being made dirty. Others imagine a scenario where a car is waxed and dried by hand before being run through the scrubbers and finally having its air freshener removed from the rear view mirror. One postcard sent in from a fellow in Montana(!) suggests that the inside of the car is filled with foamy soap clouds and hot water while the driver holds his breath. And it may just be as simple as all of us Americans abandoning auto travel entirely and riding unicycles and camels to work. Let’s just stop right now. The phrase,”Reverse Car Wash,” as referenced in the title of this post and found...

Well the local Tea Party finally got their way. The final act of our town’s Public Works department (before it was dissolved completely itself) was to dismantle the town’s four municipal children’s playgrounds. All the equipment was ripped out and the sand was sprinkled with ground up glass shards to discourage any kids from returning. All of this follows the recent city council’s resolution to imprison all the volunteer crossing guards and do away with most of the town’s stop signs. “No limits on liberty” is the rallying cry and part of the reason so many of my neighbor have begun acquiring pit bulls and walking around topless. Anyway, all the playground equipment, gnarled and bent and broken as it is, had to go somewhere. So, of course, it was...

As much as we may admire the rabbit we would never want to be him. The rabbit is one of those horrible species whose veins are filled not with blood, but Oil. Crude, ugly, stinking Oil.
This is what gives them such skill and speed. And also what causes them to explode when dropped.

Everyone said, “No, Chris, this is the wrong time, wrong economy, wrong region, wrong fruit, do not put on your own One-Man Peach Festival. We need the money to repair the driveway.” These people are nice, but they lack vision. If I possess anything, it’s 400 freshly-printed “First Annual Southeast Michigan Area Peach Festival” puffy-transfer hats AND the ability to see the future. And I see a robust, three-weekend, limited-parking Peach Festival taking place largely in the behind-the-garage section of my backyard during the dwindling summer weeks of late August when the spider-flies and toe-biting worms are at their worst. Families from all over northern Ohio and southern Ontario will make their way here to learn, love and live Peaches, nature’s...