TV seemed like such a good idea at the time. The miracle of imagery and sound, beamed live around the world, through the air, carried by invisible elves. Even a few years into the reign of the Lobster Men, TV was still a friend you could count on to never betray you. Sure most of the shows now starred Lobster Men (or Lobster Men in drag) but they were basically unchanged. I can watch a Lobster Man give away sets of tires to celebrity charities. It has the same effect. Now, though, TV doesn’t feel good. Maybe it’s because all the shows are performed in Lobster Man language. A language that’s primarily chomping and grinding sounds. Or it’s because there’s really only one show now: Lobster Man after Lobster Man, one after the other, hour after hour, reading off...
Author - Chris Weagel
Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.
I enjoy reading recipe cards aloud. Especially at the homes of neighbors and trusted friends. I always ask to see their kitchen files. Although sometimes I don’t ask. I just find the cards myself. They’re usually not hidden very well. Stacked in a drawer or folded into an envelope or strapped to the Gentleman-of-the-House’s thigh.
I always return them in the correct order. But only after I’ve read them. Out loud. Right in the middle of conversation. Or even if I’ve been left alone while they go check on the baby.
I can’t help myself. I just have to find out how they end.
The human foot can stand only so much verbal abuse before it gives up, turns inward, and stops attending social functions. Generally speaking, a foot’s paintings from these periods are more honest.
Special Shoes and Bongo Drum Solos.
My vacuum cleaner has a headlight but no turn signals.
…real fuckin profound.
It’s never too early to start thinking about car burial. Eventually your car is going to get old. It’s going to break down or refuse to let you shift out of reverse. You may simply just wish to stop driving, give up your job and forfeit your place in society altogether. You’ll need to do something with the 2,000lbs+ box of steel and plastic you’ve called friend all these years. You must return it to the earth. Select a sizable chunk of ground in your or a neighbor’s yard and start digging. Immediately. Use your hands if needed. It may be necessary to park your car in the street or closed garage out of sight of your digging so as to avoid any awkward conversation. If an abundance of swing sets, BBQ pits, laundry poles, uneven patio stones, old water heaters...
