Author - Chris Weagel

The last living brontosaurus has been captured. We will now lead an expedition inside its belly to discover the mystery wisdom of the lizard men. Now, place your hand over my heart and we shall vibrate together and share a dinner biscuit of courage. – From a transcript of our Mayor's remarks at the municipal holiday tree lighting event this weekend. I'm proud to say we've mortgaged your children's future to purchase these marshmallow roasting pits. Although you may not use them, I encourage you to stare without distraction as I tear pages from these library books on eating disorders and cast them into the flame. We will not help you better yourselves. – From the same transcript, spoken by our Director of Public Works, to an ocean of gritted teeth and solemn...

The unquestioned hatreds of American culture. Let us revel in their sparkle.
We cannot stand those in our midst who insist that the log ride cannot go any faster nor should it. We cannot stand people that know how to operate calculators. We hate those who remind us we are not alone. We hate the tiny crown. We hate the feeling we get right after the memorial day parade ends. We hate getting stabbed with two knives when it could've been three. We hate dinner theatre. We hate the law of gravity and what it's done to our children. We hate that our inferiors aren't reading this.

Most honorable intentions I've had have been undercut by a weakness for giant posters of skulls.
Some of them are worth upwards of $80. They sort of sparkle as you look at them.
…Anyway I'm going to have to see your ID before you bring that eel on the bus.

Old Man Renshaw. That's tonight's Doer's Profile. He's dead. He just died. Police confirmed it this morning. Somebody called them to complain about all the bird activity over his house. It is a strange sight, hundreds of birds swooping and circling and perched up around his eaves. Sparrows have taken up on the shoulders of his scarecrows. Renshaw has two dozen scarecrows guarding his house. Many made up to resemble grown-up Peanuts characters. Usually they keep away birds and lizards alike. One moment it was a clear sunny day, the next the sky was blacked out. I knew Renshaw was dead. He didn't believe in deaf people. Renshaw didn't believe a person could be deaf. He didn't believe in the concept of deafness. “You and I both know you can hear me, you just...

Special diet with focus on eating cups of hair.
Followed by a look at live microwave juggling.
Then up close and in depth with the mind behind race car shaped beds.
And don't forget our nightly tradition of wiring jaws shut and peeing where we please.
There's no stopping any of this.

Where do we find meaning in life? We put a lot of stock in formed plastic. Plastic of various colors, although primarily beige. Large empty sitting halls are a favorite. In this part of the country we cannot get enough of truly putrid churches and fellowship halls. Brown and yellow inside. Windowless exteriors. We get together inside them and press up against one another for as long as we can bear it. Often hours at a time. Older ladies are allowed to hold down small children and force their make up on them. Real thick layers of oil paints and toilet water. The men stare at one another and dare each other to eat cigarettes. Everybody shakes hands too hard. Then we head to the basements or parking lots for shared washings with buckets of ice water. All of this makes us feel not so lost...

V bit through three tables last night. All at once. They were the kind of makeshift tables constructed out of old doors with their knobs removed. They had been holding up my domino display. As well as my glass bells and little wire angels. And three ongoing games of checkers.
V decided to demonstrate his multi-stomach digestive process to a Rolling Stone reporter and needed to devour something with a variety of fibers. He bit clean through the tables, demolished six chairs and fought a wasp's nest.
Then he threw himself down a flight of stairs and recited famous speeches and poems til dawn.
I busied myself with coupons for detergents and silent prayer.