Author - Chris Weagel

I hoard the little slips of packaging cardboard that hold up peanut butter cups candies because — c'mon, who else is looking out for these little guys? With all this wind? They'd wind up in the sewer. And no one's adopting them with those visible grease stains. Chocolate grease.
Like peppermint sludge. Once you in the sewer, you stay down there.
To date, I've saved 86,000 little slips of cardboard from god's mercy.

You wake up surrounded by golf clubs. You realize then, and only then, the depth of your error.
Proceed to yellow square 13.

Wear the overalls to the job interview. Wear the overalls to the job interview. Wear the overalls and sing a song. Wear the overalls to the job interview and sing an ugly song. To the bear. Sing the song to the bear who sees right through you. Sees your truth. The bear sees your past. It knows your mistake. It knows nothing, just as God intended, but it knows your mistake. The bear knows which button you really pressed. So you sing the song to keep the bear still. To keep the bear from getting bigger.

The local paper asked, “How do you burn refrigerators and other appliances?”
The town screamed in unison, “Down to ashes! Down to ashes! Hoo-ray!”
And only 15 beatings that day…

I know what it takes, Alex. I know that you're disappointed in me. My cheese folding technique let you down. I wasn't sufficient. You wanted the girl in the picture. I gave you a ghost.
I'm going to slide a few inches closer to you now. Don't pull on the restraints — they leave marks.
OK, now squeeze.

Have you ever sat down and really committed to eating an entire furnace? Breaking it down, systematically as you go. Eating the entire thing. Not because you've been forced. No. Because you want to. You enjoy it. You enjoy the flavor, the ugly tingle. The metal color on your teeth. You're partially magnetic and you've earned it.
And eating the whole thing. Just like dad would've wanted. This is what it means to be a man. Eating industrial equipment that you can find in your house.
And no door knob bullshit.

The legislature required each citizen to carry a harmonica on his person during daylight hours. That started back in the spring but wasn't actively enforced until about three weeks ago. (Local police bought a dinosaur, they're gonna use a dinosaur.) They want you to carry one at night too, but they also prefer you merge with an animal and walk around with a tail…and I just don't have time.
If you carry the harmonica you get chapped real quick. Starts on your arms and in some cases covers the whole neck.