01/12/25

Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

Face Oil

06/13/11
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Having a difficult time picking a wall paper pattern that matches my face oil sheen. I wouldn't say I have a quite olive pallor but it's definitely got a green twinge to it. Conflicting with that is my desire for a curdled-blood red motif for the entire room.

The wall paper must not clash with my face oil as I plan on returning to my study each evening and wiping my face against at least two walls as part of my meditation program. And I consume a lot of olives and salted fish all day.

Which are revolting to my friends and coworkers.

And leave your face dripping in poisonous oil.

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/13/11

06/13/11
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This morning I shaved off my two week beard. As I shaved, I collected each little hair and arranged them onto a specially prepared cardboard template. It features a line-drawing of my face with the beard line left empty. Using a glue stick, I made the beard area sticky and recreated the beard's shape and thickness. Once done, I neatly wrote the date, day, temperature and humidity and lucky number trio on the forehead area. Then reusing a plastic produce bag from a local grocer, I bagged it, tied it tight and placed it into file cabinet drawer 8.

If all goes well, thousands of years from now, scientists will be able to recreate my beard onto any ugly or hairless baby or cantaloupe they've elected ruler.

Immortality through grooming.

Nightcap 06/10/11

06/10/11
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Busy day. Spent most of it dealing with a dead horse in the swimming pool. This happens every year. I get the cover off, not a week goes by before I wake up ready to swim only to find a drowned stallion in the deep end. I’ve run out of space behind the garage and the city won’t let you bury anything bigger than a microwave in the front yard so I just have to hope the black birds pick its bones clean before the carcass kills too much of the grass. It’s going to be a n all-day Saturday affair dragging it out of the pool. Which is about how long it took me to get the thing into the pool in the first place.

Morning Constitutional 06/10/11

06/10/11
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One would imagine there’d be more holidays like Halloween. Not the costume part, but days where going up to strangers’ doors and demanding a free prize would not be an arrest able offense. The government wouldn’t have to limit it to giving away candy, either. Some days, say in the spring, everyone could give away those little hotel-sized bars of soap. The really dedicated celebrants could make their own bars and even imprint a custom logo into them. Early August would be a good time to walk up to a strange person’s private residence, as an unshaven grown man, and ask for an entirely new wardrobe. Some of the families might offer you a handful of stew but either way you’d walk away a better American. I suppose the reason why the big banks don’t want so...

NIGHTCAP 06/08/11

06/08/11
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Where do you put your efforts? I put most of mine into the Trapeze. Only place I really feel free is soaring above the screaming crowds, a striped shirt on my breast and a sword in my teeth. I never do anything fancy. No hanging by the toes or closing the eyes. Just simple sitting on the trapeze bar, both hands securely gripping the ropes. Not too fast, not too slow. Just a steady, reasonable rocking back and forth while repeating to myself: "It will be OK, It will be OK."

If people want to pay money to be locked in a room for 8 hours while I do this, so be it. It's the very definition of Free Enterprise.