01/12/25

Author - Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

Why Not Join The Priesthood?

06/29/11
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The circus is no longer accepting applications. The country has enough file clerks. Playing a dead body in one of those large disaster scenes just doesn’t pay enough. The only calling left is a higher calling.
When you become a priest, the Vatican sends you a pair of those glasses that let you see into men’s souls and you’re legally allowed to drink blood in public. Your business card gets a rarely used prefix. Sure you only get paid in little sticks and pebbles but you never have to fear snakes again.
All in all a good deal for all parties. You were going to be locked up eventually anyway, might as well be in bondage to the Lord.

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/29/11

06/29/11
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Today's centering exercise: Imagining Generic Posters.
Posters with designs that serve any and all purposes in any given environment.

Here's a few to get you started:

Neutral Photograph of Kitten standing next to rotary phone with receiver laying off its base.

Sharpened Pencil standing in middle of row of Unsharpened Pencils.
Star Constellation that looks vaguely like Albert Einstein
Spanish Muppets (group shot)
Entire text of Encyclopedia Britannica in 7pt font
Windsurfer sailing over a 19th Century Steam Engine Locomotive
The Backs of all US Presidents' Heads

Write down your best 32,000 designs and leave them in a neat list in the comment section.

NIGHTCAP 06/28/11

06/28/11
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The reason I don't enter many mustache growing competitions these day is that they're all fixed! All of them! Same judges, same hair-wax sponsors, same pressures from the UN to pick a "dignified" winner.

There hasn't been honesty in international mustache circles since the mid-nineties steroid scandals. Yes there's steroids for mustaches despite them being composed entirely of hair. I'm not a scientist, I'm a mustache man. I don't know how it works, I just know it works. It's an ugly business.

Everybody just wants to get into the pages of Slick Jack magazine. We're well past the age of the Gentleman Groomer.

Oh forget it!

Opportunity

06/28/11
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Thanks to the Monopoly board game’s great success, there are millions of little metal boots lying around out there.
Which means millions of elves searching in vain for little metal socks…

First Produced in 1861 by a former Magician

06/28/11
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The Hamlins claimed efficacy for Wizard Oil on not only human beings but also horses and cattle, one poster displaying an elephant drinking the stuff by lifting the bottle with the trunk. Bottles came in 35¢ and 75¢ sizes.

Do not think of Wizard Oil as simply a good liniment, it is this and very, very much more. It is an internal remedy of the greatest possible value. Its composition is of such a nature that it is equally as good for internal use as for external use. It cures Stomach and Bowel Troubles, Cholera Morbus, Colic, Cramps, Indegestion, etc. Pains in all forms are banished by it.

READ MORE ABOUT THIS MIRACLE DRUG ONLINE!

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/28/11

06/28/11
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Another black mark on the Southeast Michigan carnival community. Pictured here are local firemen rescuing trapped passengers from a deadlocked ferris wheel at this past weekend's St Clair Shores Fish Fly n Fry Festival. 19 Festival goers - including 19 severely blind children - were trapped in their carts on the Flamingo Daze Ferris Wheel for over 4 hours on sunday as the mechanism that drives the ride locked up. Ride operators were unable to restart the ride nor were they able to determine the cause of the malfunction. Witnesses said that after "trying their best" for at least "a half an hour" the carnival employees left the ferris wheel and headed to the lemonade stand for an "extended napping session" with their "feets soaking in the lemonade tubs." Firemen safely retrieved all of the...

Nightcap 06/27/11

06/27/11
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I recall the first time major change came the juice box industry. 1988 had the appearance of a banner year in the boxed beverage world. Hi-C was still soaring high on the great sales of its Ghostbusters-themed green slime flavor and Capri-Sun's R&D department was making tremendous strides in juice bag technology, getting us to believe for the first time that a bag really was equal - and in many ways superior to - a box. Then March arrived. And with it the annual Boxed Lunch and Portable Snacks Expo in Houston, TX - the then new "Metal Town American City" due to its reliance on tin foil sculptures and aluminum sheets instead of traditional plant-based landscaping in their parks (also the postal workers had been replaced by common kitchen appliances, but that didn't last but a few months)...