Today will be remembered for the abundance of genuine human hair wigs everyone started uncontrollably vomiting up during church services. The involuntary retching began around 8:45am and continued until well after 5pm. The epidemic spared only the town’s holiest: our street mimes and autistics.
All the rest of us, meanwhile, were gagging up thick, purple, blonde and silver champagne lady wigs and ugly, tiger-cut man toupees until our throats dried out. Some of the older residents blacked out early on and had to have their feet elevated to prevent choking deaths. DPW services are still raking them into big piles and have been forced, against their better judgement, to ignite the incinerator on the Sabbath.
Forcibly puking up human hair for hours on end can only be seen as divine punishment. Town elders are reviewing minutes from recent council meetings to determine our shortcomings and have recommended citizens resist wearing any of the vomited wigs for fear of acid burns.