“Chris, you won’t believe it. You can’t believe it.”

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there.”

Believe what?

“What happened with Mary, I – what’s going on here? I can’t believe it.”

“It’s unreal.”

“What we did, it was all discussed ahead of time. We had a plan – we had a system. And you know that’s fine. Mary’s a nice person, we’ve always gotten along. But, hey listen, this can’t go on.”

“It was very brazen.”

“Mary – we invited her over to hear about her stumps and, she, right in the middle of it, why — she touched our fruit. Touched our fruit. All of it.”

“Touched it with her hands.”

“That’s right, she touched our fruit with her hands. I couldn’t believe it. Right there on the table, she’s not paying attention, talking about ice skating, and her hands go right down into our fruit bowl.”

“Down deep.”

“Down deep. And touches all of it.”

“Without asking permission.”

“She thinks she’s entitled. Touches my fruit. Mine! Those aren’t her apples. Those aren’t her pears. No! And she touched all of it.”

“We had to throw it out.”

“I stare at that fruit everyday. I count on it. She put her hands all over my grapes.”

Some people…

“Well, right, yeah. That’s right. It’s – What if there’d been an apricot in that bowl? There is a system. A process.”

I understand.

“Mary is a nice person. We all like her. But after this…”

She’s going to have to face the wall.

“It’s the only way.”

“We can’t accept this.”

[The afterlife is an infinite episode of Newhart]

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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