Always carry an ink pen, fine point. When at a restaurant, preferably in a booth, begin writing horrible messages on the complimentary packets of sugar and sugar substitutes offered for more sophisticated diners. Scribble things that will really hurt, really bring about serious question and doubt.

“The chemicals in this powder are actually good for you; they will prolong the suffering.”

“God has smiled upon you. That's the problem.”

“Your leg will shake with or without this.”

“Good ahead, embarrass everyone. Use the coupon.”

“Nobody believes it was an accident.”

“It wasn't designed with an escape hatch.”

“No one is forcing you to feel this way. It's all your fault.”

At the conclusion of the meal, gather all of the packets. Stow them in your side pack, leaving the table bare. At home, keep them forever, neither showing them to nor discussing them with another soul.

Read them aloud each night.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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