Confirmed, this is the future. We made it. We did, the Russians did, the polio virus made it too.

You’ll notice the air has a permanent, faint cotton candy scent. God did that. Just a little pleasantry.

You’ll also notice that All Your Enemies Have Been Vanquished. Yes, sir. You came out on top. There never was anything to worry about. They’re all writhing in a dark, fiery pit – that you don’t have to pay for, thank you. Smooth sailing and parades every day for you, that’s right.

And all you have to do is, every day at noon, go up on top of that hill and ring the Liberty Bell. Ring it at least four times. Maybe five. Use this big mallet as a salute and honor to our relatives and their haircuts. Ring in freedom and justice done right so that all of us, the heroes, will remember our own brand of mighty.

Also its sound keeps those bats made of fire away from the children’s hair, so…

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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