A terrible epidemic of men dressing up ovens, refrigerators and other large appliances with wigs and make up and little dresses and proposing marriage and actually wedding these goddamn things has swept across our counties. You can't believe it.

And the churches support it! “It keeps them busy,” the churches say, “at least they're not out there killing people, praise God.”

This sort of thing got started in Japan and don't tell me it didn't. These men haul these water heaters and basement freezers over here during a party and actually introduce them by name. “This here's Felicia. She's my beloved. Oh we how we love each other, we love each other so. I will be spending my life with this Kenmore double-storage freezer unit dressed up like a real woman and I want all of you to see it. She can hold over 275 frozen dinners and is the only one that understands my struggle.”

And now I gotta look at it and bite my tongue and tolerate what I know to be a lie. I have to change what I am. I have to be denied.

Listen, Paul, it's really come to this. There isn't any bottom anymore.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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