The problem is we let them play with a parachute as children. This was unsupervised. We were busy with our novels and our cigarette smoking. These kids got the idea that everything should be so stimulating. That everything should be as freeing as waving a surplus parachute up and down.

To counteract these misconceptions, we have teams rounding up these individuals and delivering them to our disabusement center in the Dakotas. There they are forced to hold hands with professional artists and help them paint over their own murals or face deportation.

From there 18 additional weeks are devoted to cost-benefit analysis of each frequency of the visible light spectrum.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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