Rusty Waters finally got his wish today. The town wizard turned him into a solid chunk of gold. Rusty was killed instantly, of course, but his image stands forever now on main street, a horrible reminder to children of the dangers of fiat currency and what it does to a man's thinking. The gold Rusty is too heavy to move and the wizard has placed some kind of force field around him that feels like snake bites when you try to pierce it, so he's not going anywhere. Police have already begun routing circus and funeral trains around him.
Rusty just wanted to feel valuable. He wanted to feel important. And publishing his own monthly men's health and lifestyle magazine with a focus on naked airplane rides wasn't enough.
It never is.