God lounges on clouds in his celestial palace. Flowing white robes, a short crop white beard and a barrel chest compliment his golden eyes and crystal teeth.

“Oh let's see now, what are the humans into now? What busies them at this hour? Oh! Building a tower I see. Straight up to the heavens is it?..ah haw haw haw.”

God's guffaws send shivers through the outer planets.

“Oh haw haw, how they toil! Crumble tower! Crumble into the sea! Oh these humans. Fools all of them. I shall rain down bricks of gold on them…even in their last moments they are proud. Run humans! Run! Ahhh! Haw haw! Quickly, Gabriel, more fishes. More pleasures!”

God's mightiest angel Gabriel pours an ocean of gasping trout into our Lord's mouth.

“Oh these humans and their plans! One of them asked me for their sight again, Gabriel. He wishes to see. This one boasts of being the fastest runner! He claims the power of fire for himself. Wha Haw haw, haw, haw!”

The Lord God snaps his fingers.

“There, Gabriel, a thousand Filipinos washed away in a typhoon!” He snaps his fingers again. “There, that man there, he will never fail to answer a riddle!” A final snap of his holy hand. “And this woman shall give birth to a goat! And none shall ever know why. Eh haw haw haw haw!”

The heavens tremble as God rolls to and fro, sloshing great torrents of sweet wine from his chalice.

“Sometimes, Gabriel, I think the only reasonable thing humans have done is that pontoon boat with the big fan on the back. That's very practical. Oh what fools. Oh.”

“Enough. Gabriel– where are my RC cars?”


Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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