Oh thank God, thank God the world's ending. I just found out it's ending later this week. Why didn't anyone tell me? Finally. What a relief.

This nightmare is finally over. I no longer have to pretend I like anyone. What a gift! All you monsters will be swept out to sea. And all your pets and classic cars and hideous wallpaper. Gone forever.

No more listening to you recounting last night's dream. No more guilt trips at the animal shelter. There will never be another 24 hour anything. Whoosh! Straight into the black hole!

I hope it's really dramatic too. Everybody dying by spider bite would be OK. But the earth would still be here. There'd still be tides and quicksand. It better involve at least one mega-volcano and crashing helicopters and food poisoning. I'd like the oceans to evaporate. And see cactus come to life and strangle small town sheriffs. Nothing left.

The world ending gives me a great excuse for never meeting my neighbors. And I can start asking people embarrassing questions about their hygiene. Oh and just think: No more church buffets!

We should've done this a lot sooner.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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