Figure 1. Licensed Potato Therapist.

Dear Thirty Year-Old Self,

I am writing you from the depths of 8th grade English class. I will assume you are now an accomplished drum soloist and waste no further words on the matter. It is my hope that you've followed through on our desire to invent a new form of firework and have forgone profit, instead bequeathing the patent to “children everywhere.” I further hope that we have not developed a taste for candy canes or cursing on Sundays. I/we are on the path to owning a wig shop and I wouldn't want such weakness to stall the permitting process.

Do you remember our music teacher having a stroke in class? Or the currently popular baseball player who was eaten by a shark? I hope we don't end up like them. I suppose it depends on how much hatred we've earned in God's eyes. If anything, I'd still like to die in a fiery motorcycle crash during an earthquake. Oh, and do we still like penguins?

Please don't worry about me. I've got a calculator to keep me entertained. Please keep the list of people we owe an apology to a minimum. I understand it will be all our own fault. I'm counting on us not to mutate into a fish person.

– your eighth grade self.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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