Society cannot function without your brilliance? Pwssssssh! Straight into the volcano.

Mass market wall poster designer. I've excelled in knowing when to employ a skull. I know where to get the best polar bear stock photography. I can get this drawing as close to a Rockwell without being sued while not reducing the requested teal/fuschia ratio.

Hate Crime Coordinator. Organize and schedule beatings and street pursuits. Work with local religious leaders to concentrate and amplify division and isolation programs. Throw annual Christmas party at local bowling alley.

Unlicensed Cake Decorator. I recreate, through frosting and sprinkles, images of popular cartoon and pop music singers from torn out magazine pages and blurry cell phone photos supplied by impatient step parents. Sometimes I'll use the cookie parts from an Oreo cookie for tires or eyeballs. I always sign my work.

Person That Watches Fish. I make sure the fishes stay in their bucket. One time I touched a fish and it burned.

Senior Editor of National Newsweekly, Time Magazine. Nominally in charge of a multi-million dollar publishing and journalism operation. I devote most of my office time to making sure the interns always face the wall. I remind the nation of the importance of the defense industry through stories about soldiers who like to smile and photographs of airplanes. I am a Sagittarius.

Cereal Box Defacer. Using commercially available magic markers, alter cereal box packaging through mustaches, thick glasses, devil horns or missing teeth. If you have two markers, cover the entire front panel of the box in a solid, opaque black rectangle. Enjoy weekends off.

Salad Bar Island Soup Station Locator. I stand in an empty lot, designating the Soup Station's future location and a new restaurant is constructed around me. I bring ear plugs.

We will survive your absence.


Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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