This is the lesson people like me never learned. This is what America wants. America wants 30 cents off coupons for roast beef sandwiches. America wants a state shaped like a dog. It wants to go to church. America wants barrels of immigrant pee stored underground in salt mines, just in case. America wants to be cross-eyed. The people of this blessed land of ours want these things. They wouldn't put forth so much effort if they didn't. Americans want to boil zebras in swimming pools just to see if the stripes come off. They're disgusting. And if you really are smarter and better and better smelling than them, you'll just have to make peace with all of this and find somewhere to hide when they start forcing everyone to eat corn dogs.