The age of the novelty calculator is over. The age of the novelty anything is over. The local rotary businessmen's auxiliary council voted overwhelmingly to bar any decorative display but the stars and stripes. Collectible Dora the Explorer cigarette lighters are out. Shampoo dispensers shaped like birds are no more. Even my three wise men Salt, Pepper and Other shakers are now forbidden. From now on only Old Glory and one variation – Old Glory with a snake superimposed over it – are allowed. The postman is supposed to drop off a set of markers tomorrow and I'll be correcting the color of several boxes of Cherrios prior to election day.

What this all stems from: Local business councils are composed of Local Businessmen. Each was born with a head filled with a solid block of wood and a single mouse. Eventually that mouse eats its way through the entire block of wood. When that happens, gold coins begin pouring from the Businessman's mouth and he is retired to the clubhouse dining room trophy shelf for eternity.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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