The most important thing at the moment happens to be audience-appropriate magazine advertising. Making sure the right people see the right messages about martial arts self-defense courses and the benefits of home snake ownership and free range pan-caking on a monthly basis.

If the wrong group sees an advertisement for…liquids who knows where it'll end. People might start to get ideas. They might put together a petition to change the name of their state. Get enough signatures. Get it passed. One simple act of mass-ignorance could render all our stationary sets and return address labels worthless. I've had these address seals since I gave up driving.

Any number of Scenarios kept here in these sealed envelopes could come to pass. A working Mother of four sees an ad for dog sled beatings – Scenario Fourteen. It would take weeks to restore order. Imagine the cost to repair our statuary. An Unemployed Bassist in Mikwaukee chances upon an advertisement touting mail order gophers that sends him right over the edge – Scenario Sixty-Four: You become your own Grandpa.

You, dear reader, who thinks he's immune, you, despite all your best efforts – the college degree, the congenial personality, the wife from Norway – you wind up in a windowless room, staring at a message about Butter Rum Lifesavers for three days. Scenario Eighty: Everyone's hands fall off.

God. My God. Oh, God. God Almighty. God oh, God God. Jesus is God. Oh, God.

We have a system! The system must be followed! Esperanto!

Targeted and tailored advertisements, full of gloss and all three colors, must Get Where They Are Going. Stand aside!

It's all the more difficult since the Internet's popularity has left us with just one magazine for everybody, children's conservationist monthly, Ranger Rick.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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