I have been and remain an advocate of gifting taxidermied dogs. Primarily on first dates and anniversaries, although the practice can be expanded, with little effort, to secular holidays and extended family. Emotive poses can be readily achieved, provided the corpse has suffered little structural mutilation. And though larger breeds challenge display conventions, all dog types are preserved with lightweight fill material making them easy to move, carry and send via parcel post to points in the continuous forty-eight.

To give a preserved dog, with marble eyes, stiff tail, vinyled tongue and all is to give peace of mind. Companionship, conversation, something to set in front of the magazine pile all come with a formerly living, now dehydrated, eternally frozen dog. There's even the potential, with the continued advances of science, of a new pet, of your dog awakening, better than before, thanks to a futuristic laser “life ray” beam firing into its now-wooden skull.

Now there are those who would declare such an act repugnant! Foul! Treasonous! And they'd be right! It's certainly against god's will to kidnap, smother or bludgeon, then chemically profane a living creature, particularly one as trusting and loyal as a neighbor's dog. Guilty as charged! However I assure you nothing beats it in sifting the harlots from the marriage material. Watch their reactions, particularly the eyes. If they do not immediately moisten with terror upon removal of the plastic shopping bag, you've found your princess. Promptly send a shot of yourselves posing with the mummified dog to the local announcements page and move on to the apology notes.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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