I would love to kick a yowling, yapping, barking dog square in the face with my workboot.

Each and every day these horrible creatures mindlessly bark at me as I walk by their owners’ homes. Their incessant screaming accomplishes nothing. It doesn’t even burn calories. They get fatter and fatter each day, the fat pushing their eyeballs out from their skulls and swelling up their tongues.

These dogs have but a single thought: destroy Chris.

If only, Dear God, this metal fence wasn’t in my way, I could get my jaws on him and tear his flesh for having the audacity to walk near me. Ecstasy, true ecstasy, I would have it, Lord. The pain and emptiness of not being human would lift – however temporarily – if only I, a lowly dog, could crush him. Give me my chance, Lord. Let my prove my worthiness. My purity. Let Me Destroy Him.

That’s what I hear anyway.

And that’s why I’d love to smash their goddamn faces in with my boot. One swift kick is all I need. Make an example of one, for the others. Then I could have peace.

It’s hard enough to follow my large print* Sylvia Brown audiobooks without all the extra snarling.

*Large Print Audiobooks = The kind where they scream.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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