I awaken today to find the house surrounded by thousands of cats. Each sitting, silently looking at me, without the ability to properly blink. Each one waiting on me. It’s my move.

I have no choice. I begin naming them.

It takes time. I learn their personalities. Their hopes, their fears. I spend at least 15 minutes with each cat before giving it a proper name. First AND Last names. Sometimes a middle initial, where appropriate.

For those expressing literary aspirations I take special care to imagine the name across a dust jacket. Those inclined to be race car drivers, I name after soft drinks.

Soon each cat has a name, each cat has dignity.

Satisfied, and after a short group bath, they leave my yard.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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