Deciding which candy-flavored shell coating to be dipped into, head-to-toe, while screaming, can be difficult. Do you wish to be sweet tasting all over? Do you want bugs and feathers and gravel to stick to your every surface in a magnetic fashion? Do you want simply not to feel as though you are burning in liquid green flame during your final 15 minutes on earth?

There’s a lot to consider.

Not least of which are the mood and financial resources of the mob that’s finally putting a stop to your wicked endeavors. How many of them are committed to your destruction? Do they feel personally wronged or are they simply “along for the ride” due to boredom and the high unemployment rate? Did they use up the club’s entire purse just getting the giant cauldron? How are their hoisting and knot-tying skills? Can they even get a fire hot enough to boil something like industrial vinyl?

Do not make this choice lightly. Odds are you’ll only get one shot at becoming a human ice cream treat. You want this to look good for the photos. You don’t want to spoil what is, in all likelihood, the largest waffle cone the county will ever produce.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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