PROSPECTIVE HOME BUYER

This is the season for snapping up homes. Even if you already have one, with all the foreclosures and subsequent family break-ups, now’s the time to pick up a second, third or even fourth house. Leave it sit empty while birds build their society inside the chimney. What do you care?

BUT YOU DO CARE. YOU DON’T WANT TO BE MADE TO LOOK FOOLISH.

To maintain your dignity, interrogate your realtor with the following:

  • Am I buying a House or just a picture of a House?
  • How much Ice Cream could fit in the freezer comfortably?
  • Are the neighbors ugly?
  • Is the house haunted?
  • If so are they friendly ghosts?
  • Would my stuffed animals feel comfortable there?
  • Is the porch detachable?
  • Is it a Boy House or a Girl House? And how do you tell?
  • If I were a duck, would I live there?
  • Please explain the noticeable wall bruisings.
  • Why so many bite marks on the handrails?
  • Does it come with a slide?

Once you get your answers, do not write them down. Keep them to yourself. Tell no one. Ever. Take them to an unmarked grave. THIS IS YOUR BUSINESS.

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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