MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/14/11

I’m sure every man has felt the urge to dump his shoes down the nearest sewer and retreat from civilization. He may have even had the urge to tear off the shoes of any strangers he may meet and dump those down the sewer as well as a liberating gesture, a way of saying, “Come Brother, Come Sister, together our feet can be free.”

Each one of us, I’m also sure, has dreamt of smashing in display windows of shoe stores and cobblers and gathering up any and all kinds of footwear and dumping them all into the black abyss, in front of the news cameras. In front of the mayor’s men. In front of tomorrow’s generation.

OUR FEET SHALL BE FREE! FREE TO BE LOOKED AT! FREE TO BE SEEN!

FREE TO SUFFER SNAKE BITES AND SAND BURNS!

FREE TO BE PRESSED UP AGAINST THINGS NORMALLY RESERVED FOR ONLY THE TOUCH OF SATAN’S HANDS!

Every man may have these dreams of damning shoes and slipping free. But each morning, we make that compromise and hide our toes and calm ourselves by watching Beer commercials on YouTube.com.

But deep down, the horrible blue veins on the top of our feet demand daylight.

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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