Authorities aren’t sure exactly how many people here in St Clair Shores have been struck down by Almira Calhoun’s Disease, but they have forbidden all none-essential swimming and blocked off some streets altogether.

The health department recommends a 72 hour cooling off period for all afflicted parties, so the barricades won’t come down until Thursday. And they’re probably gonna start grabbing the guns after that, anyway.

They can have my guns, I don’t care. I have no interest in catching Almira Calhoun’s Disease or passing it on to the baby animals I’m responsible for down at the petting zoo.

OK, OK, from Wikipedia:

Almira Calhoun was a delightful woman who desired nothing more than to walk up and down stepladders all day while reading to the blind. But, because she didn’t LISTEN, and kept her box fan too close to the bed, she developed a rare disorder that left her unable to correctly punctuate any advanced english-to-german translations she undertook directly or supervised.

Almira kept her spirits up, determined that one way or another the blind people of St Clair Shores would not miss out on the doings and goings-on of the Visigoth tribes. So the city got her a leader dog, which was immediately enrolled in an early-european literature class at the community college and subsequently expelled for attacking the professor’s neck.

Almira finally just broke down and bought the blind kids an audiobook version of her lessons and loaded the step ladder into the car and made off for Northwestern Arkansas.

Also her disease makes your fingers fall off for a time, until you can get someone to screw them back on. That’s why I’m staying inside.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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