MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/29/11

Horatio Fredjeff. Local Prophet. Publishes his own newsletter, released each month, featuring intense, detailed drawings of creatures he sees roaming the streets at night.

There are 45 such creatures detailed in each issue.

Each creature is presented in two views: 3/4 Isometric and Top Down.
Accompanying each creature is it’s full Latin Name, it’s common, Michigan-ese name, and two paragraphs describing its traits, behaviors, migration patterns and odor.

Fredjeff further offers thoughts on how best to defend yourself from each creature. This comes in the form of a list of which limb motions – punching, kicking, swatting, etc – repels the beast.

Also on the page is a rectangular box labeled “Bite Pattern,” which Fredjeff claims belongs to that animal. The indents and paper tears in each pattern is identical to that of a lonely man of Horatio’s age and diet.

In a lead editorial each issue, Horatio highlights a specific animal as the most deadly and assigns blame to it for his amputated, left leg. He follows this with a list of relatives he claims devoured by this beast.

It is widely known Fredjeff was born an orphan and raised behind a nearby church to sharpen tools and mind the grounds and never, ever be allowed to vote.

He spends most of the month placing a copy of his newsletter into each mailbox in his zip code. If you encounter him during his deliveries, as I often have during my “sick days,” you’ll find him smiling and asking you the whereabouts of your smile.

The local chamber of commerce has chosen me to lead a group of “concerned businessmen” to his house later this month. There, with the full blessing of Judge Withers, Sheriff Anson, Mayor Diderou, and Father Issikoff, we will set Horatio’s shack ablaze and shoot him if he attempts escape.

Children who’ve read his journal will also be discovered and drowned.

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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