According to your letter, you want to host an End Table Rodeo right here in your very own living room. Here’s what I know:

It’s just like a rodeo you see on TV except instead of cows it utilizes magic spells to bring end tables to life for the purposes of riding them in circles and remorselessly hog-tying them for the pleasure of strangers.

Prizes can include ribbons and candy.

You’re guaranteed to become the Hero of the neighborhood. No question.

You will gain exciting new carpet tread patterns with minimal effort.

Allows you to finally make use of that intensive, three day Rodeo Clown Training Course that cost you $700+lab fees last year.

Gives you a fantastic excuse to use up all the month’s food money buying ugly, often water damaged, end tables from second hand stores.

Provides another opportunity to walk around dressed as a cowboy.

Drawbacks: None at this time.

Will make your coffee table extremely jealous. Consider taking it out for ice cream later.

Be sure to empty drawers of any television remotes, wall socket adapters and christmas light replacement bulbs prior to the start of the rodeo. We don’t want anyone to hurt their knees.

Good luck trying to explain this to local zoning officials when applying for a permit!

When all is said and done…

When all is said and done, only you can ensure a successful, and safe, End Table Rodeo. Plan ahead. Put down sheets and towels on all furniture expected to be sat on by non-family members. Feel free to use lamp cords for lassos.

Your end tables will enjoy the exercise and the attention. You’ll learn they’re capable of more than just holding old copies of Parade magazine and stubbing your toes. You’ll finally get to see what their undersides look like. Don’t be afraid to touch!

And you’ll learn about yourself as well. Roping furniture is what it means to be a man (in the North, anyway). You’ll gain a new appreciation for vacuuming. And running End Table Rodeos might just provide a career in this New Economy Depression that isn’t Ultimate Fighting or Tattoo related.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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