Now about this Bird Bath controversy.

Claim 1: My son keeps having crows trying to attack him. He’s afraid to go out in the yard.

Response: Your son will eventually be taken by these crows to a terrible cave, high in the dark mountains that overlook our town and devoured alive. His fate has nothing to do with my bird bath.

Claim 2: Your bird bath is haunted/invites evil spirits into the neighborhood.

Response: My bird bath is not evil. What you are seeing are squirrels and/or orphaned children who also enjoy the opportunity to wash filth off their bodies.

Claim 3: If I drink from your bird bath I will turn into a bird.

Response: False. Try as you might you will not turn into a bird after drinking from my or any other bird bath. You will however, wake up with a thick white layer of foam over and inside your mouth that will take three days to clear up.

Claim 4: I am trying to poison the birds in the neighborhood.

Response: I fill my bird bath with harmless water. If I were trying to hurt the birds I’d fill it with vinegar which would turn the birds to stone mid-flight, sending them crashing through your windshield.

In Conclusion:
Bird Baths are not for everyone. If you are thinking of installing a bird bath on your property just give up now. Ultimately, birds love being filthy and your neighbors enjoy their superstitions and you’re probably better off just unrolling a sleeping bag in the living room leaving your property improvement plans at that.


About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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