MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/04/11

Now about this Bird Bath controversy.

Claim 1: My son keeps having crows trying to attack him. He’s afraid to go out in the yard.

Response: Your son will eventually be taken by these crows to a terrible cave, high in the dark mountains that overlook our town and devoured alive. His fate has nothing to do with my bird bath.

Claim 2: Your bird bath is haunted/invites evil spirits into the neighborhood.

Response: My bird bath is not evil. What you are seeing are squirrels and/or orphaned children who also enjoy the opportunity to wash filth off their bodies.

Claim 3: If I drink from your bird bath I will turn into a bird.

Response: False. Try as you might you will not turn into a bird after drinking from my or any other bird bath. You will however, wake up with a thick white layer of foam over and inside your mouth that will take three days to clear up.

Claim 4: I am trying to poison the birds in the neighborhood.

Response: I fill my bird bath with harmless water. If I were trying to hurt the birds I’d fill it with vinegar which would turn the birds to stone mid-flight, sending them crashing through your windshield.

In Conclusion:
Bird Baths are not for everyone. If you are thinking of installing a bird bath on your property just give up now. Ultimately, birds love being filthy and your neighbors enjoy their superstitions and you’re probably better off just unrolling a sleeping bag in the living room leaving your property improvement plans at that.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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