Due to the recent scandals in the Tire and Mattress retail sector, Christmas in July has been officially cancelled. The might of the wall-to-wall carpeting sellers association was not enough to convince the National Holiday Committee otherwise. What does this mean? First of all, interest rates are going up. Second: You'll have to draw Santa on your 7-Up cans yourself. Use a Sharpie. Third: You'll probably get ticketed for any front yard tire burnings. Fourth: The return lines at Kohl's will be manageable. The committee's decision does not affect April's annual Halloween Underwater celebration so you can continue to nearly drown yourself while dressed up like the count. Go In Peace.

Due to the recent scandals in the Tire and Mattress retail sector, Christmas in July has been officially cancelled. The might of the wall-to-wall carpeting sellers association was not enough to convince the National Holiday Committee otherwise.

What does this mean?

First of all, interest rates are going up.
Second: You’ll have to draw Santa on your 7-Up cans yourself. Use a Sharpie.
Third: You’ll probably get ticketed for any front yard tire burnings.
Fourth: The return lines at Kohl’s will be manageable.

The committee’s decision does not affect April’s annual Halloween Underwater celebration so you can continue to nearly drown yourself while dressed up like the count.

Go In Peace.

Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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1 comment

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  • WHAT IS THIS?!

    I am OUTRAGED!

    Christmas in July is my FAVORITE time of year! I mean, nothing better than belting out Christmas songs at the top of your lungs without having to worry about temperature control, right?!

    I protest this turn of events.

    And yes, I am ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS! O.O