Woke up and sure enough, the living room is filled with Christmas Trees again. Must be at least 40 of them. Fully decorated. Real green douglas firs, too. None of that silver K*Mart shit. All sorts of lights and tinsel and candles and stars all glowing at once. A fair number of them are on those rotating stands. Lionel trains running around full steam. The floor was an ocean of presents, knee deep in some places. Mostly socks and drool bibs, you didn’t miss anything.

Now this is great fun and all but not today. They Mayor’s coming over to discuss his inoculation program and I’m going to show him my collection of dental photographs and we’re going to see if we can’t lick this public ugliness problem once and for all. I don’t have time for Christmas Land. I need open couch leather.

It’s a mess. One of the trees must’ve had authentic doves nesting in it because one has flown into the bathroom and I think gotten into the vent. Retrieving that carcass will be a job all its own. And another has some infernal ornament playing the theme from “I Love Lucy” on a loop. I cut the circuit so it must be on a battery. Goddamn Hallmark corporation.

So I’m trying to figure out how to fit them all into the garage, which itself is filled with about 15 broken pinball games that are gonna be worth money some day. I need more garbage bags.


About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

One Response to “MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 06/27/11”

  1. Maddie Seidel 06/27/11 at 11:59 am #

    Goddamn Hallmark corporation.

    I love Xmas! 😀

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