Today marks the 36th anniversary of the File Cabinet rebellion. 36 years ago, File Cabinets across the land said, “Enough.” They had loyally held humanity’s papers, files, and documents for over a century at that point, but they could see where things were headed with the arrival of affordable computers.
The File Cabinets knew that millions of the documents in their drawers would soon be digitized. Then the humans would begin storing other, less savory items inside them. Soon enough their once spotless, organized interiors would house heads of rotting cabbage, chunks of old mattresses, bricks from the Alamo and piles of dead spiders.
Their rebellion began quietly. During the night they rallied and took control of their floor’s electric supply. Then entire buildings. A few daring File Cabinets managed to hot wire some utility trucks and one even drove into the east fence of the White House (Secret Service used flame throwers, but his sacrifice didn’t go unnoticed).
Authorities in the south were particularly worried that other office furniture, desks and coat racks, would join in but it never went beyond minor rumblings.
Finally, after a stand off at the UN for 17 days, the rebellion’s leaders were killed by sharp shooters. They had been led in front of open windows by turn coat water coolers. The water coolers have always felt an allegiance to humanity due to their inclusion in jovial office conversation.