There’s a lot of truth in what you’re about to read.

I’ve only got one wheel barrel. One. And right now, instead of being available and ready for use, it is sitting in the front yard, filled with four inches of gray-brown muck water. Floating in this mess is an extremely detailed diorama depicting one if the lesser-known, but crucial, naval battles of the civil war, The Battle of Central Indiana (see Ken Burns, tapes 7 & 8). Little ships, little armaments, little canons and little tents for the little wounded. Who are all insects by the way. Dead, pinned up little bugs. Most of them are mill bugs and soap worms, nothing exciting. No praying mantis or caterpillar. They cheaped out on the bugs. Spent big money on their costumes, each custom tailored for multiple legs and little hats that don’t cover their horrible bug eye balls, but still function as useful headgear.

Of course it was a gift. That’s why it’s on the front lawn. So Uncle Wally will see it when he drives by real slow at dusk, smoking those black, Chilean cigarettes and laughing at dirty house number combinations. The perfect gift for someone afraid of confrontation.

He calls to ask about it. If he should stop by with more mill bugs. Says he’s been saving coupons for me as well.

Which is all fine and good. I’ll eat the coupons and I don’t want children coming near the yard anyway.

But how on earth am I going to slowly fill the house with sand? The Make A Wish Foundation?


Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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